A few weeks ago I had a couple rude awakenings about what I used to think was my support system. Actually, about who I used to think was my support system, but that’s neither here or there. Something I’ve been aware of for some time is that I tend to put people on a pedestal and turn a def ear and a blind eye to their defects and toxic behaviors.
There’s one thing, though, that hadn’t really sunk in: the way I’ve been enabling their defects and toxic behaviors. I’ve been either compromising myself to fit in with their needs and wants or putting on them expectations they can’t fulfill and getting my heart broken.
I’ve been unable to identify, admit and express what is really inside me, who I really am because I’ve been drowning myself out of fear. I fear offending and off-putting others because I fear they’ll leave. I fear that if I’m not who they ask me to be they’ll move on and leave me behind and there’s a huge downside to this.
If I pretend to be something I’m not, I’m still not what they need, I’m not what I need and I end up abandoned anyway. I’ve not been my authentic self with the few people I categorised as important to me a decade ago and I’ve not allowed myself to look at any of us as real people. I’ve pretty much imagined the support system that carried me through the last 10 years of depression, anxiety, fear, break-ups, exams and stressful jobs.
I know this sounds dramatic, but the gist of it is that my emotional needs have pretty much not been cared for all this time (all my life, actually, but that’s a whole other dumpster fire). To be clear, I don’t blame the people around me for this (except my parents, but this again has to do with the aforementioned dumpster fire). It’s been me who has neglected my own needs, who hasn’t had my own back because I am afraid of people leaving me, which they do anyway and there’s not much control I can have over that.
There’s good news as well. In reality, I got myself though most of the shit life threw at me with little help and I can keep doing it, this time on purpose and with a lot less confusion. I’m still working on accepting others for who they are without projecting expectations on them, but I have to start with
ME FIRST.
madelines words 