Give

It’s the strangest thing really. Giving, or rather receiving. You’re walking around, minding your own business and all of a sudden someone walks into your life and they give you something and it makes you happy (at least for the moment).

Let me make things clear. I am not referring to gifts like for your birthday or Christmas or things like that. I’m referring to the kinds of things that you receive every day from the people you love like a smile, a hand squeeze, a surprise lolly pop, a phone call or a ‘Have a good day!’ text and you know they care. It’s these small pieces of my every day life that I’ve been noticing lately and started to really try to appreciate. It is incredible how much we give to people and how much it takes out of us when it goes unnoticed. I know my life is so busy sometimes that I barely notice my shirt is on backwards or really slow so I barely get out of my pajamas and my attention spam doesn’t reach as far as the person next to me but it feels like it shouldn’t be such a huge effort. It is though. Because the closer people are to us the harder it is to see the details in my relationships with them. They’ve been here for a year or two or five so they’ll be here tomorrow as well to wake up ten minutes early and make that cup of coffee and make a sandwich or ask me if my date went well so I’ll just concentrate on my thing here in my corner then wonder why I feel lonely and deserted.

When relationships are new though we notice every single detail, every smile, every kiss, hug or advice and I know you can’t keep that up for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, but how do you get to the other extreme? Not long ago I met someone who I really appreciated and was acutely aware of this fact and when we argued a few weeks ago that person said ‘I don’t want to lose you’ (or something along that line of thought). It meant so much to me, that little line that I tried to move past what was bothering me. This got me thinking about the persons in my life that say to me ‘I don’t want to lose you’ through their actions, the people who have been next to me when I was being annoying or sad or just plain stupid and the people I’ve told this to through my actions as well. It’s amazing how many people don’t listen or don’t believe it.

The sad thing is that we never really know what we had util we don’t have it anymore (yes, I said it, I’m a cliche) and we rarely realize how much we give to a person who doesn’t deserve it. We don’t realize when we become dependent on someone else for something they offer that we think we can’t get on our own and can’t live without. Gestures get lost in a sea of events.

So this is what I am trying- I a trying to pay attention to the people who love me and show it so I can reciprocate. I will appreciate and value and be happy with what I have. I have to defeat my reflex of getting involved with people who have proven to me that they don’t deserve it because I am hopeful and optimistic and want them to be the person they are not. This and much more, I hope.