Working on it

I think about the future in fragments and I never see it as a complete picture. I like to think of how I’ll have a job doing something or how I’ll live in a certain city or how I’ll have a beer with someone at some bar but these things never really connect. It goes like this: if the weather is too hot around here I’ll think of how I’ll be living in a city where it rains a lot and they don’t get that much sun or high temperatures. I’ll imagine myself buying waterproof boots and big umbrellas and cozy sweaters. I imagine myself people watching in the window of a coffee place, struggling to find parking spaces in the morning and the air in the parks always smelling like wet trees. Or I think about my nondescript future job that happens in an office with so many people that I wouldn’t interact with normally so I always struggle to keep my calm like I’m such a delight to deal with.

I like to daydream about these things, but what it always comes down to is that I don’t really have a plan to deal with life and I have to come up with one. I’ll probably end up improvising anyway because plans, or my plans at least, have a way of being sidetracked, altered or completely shattered all the time. I’ve learned not to try to make long term plans anymore because life just doesn’t follow along unless you really really force it’s hand and I’m not the forceful type. I see these people trying so hard to bend the world to their version of how it should be and it makes me sad. I can imagine the sort of tension and pressure that strains your every nerve and waking second, pushing back against your waning will, making your nerves snap and killing your capacity to enjoy life. I’ve seen this. I don’t want to do this to myself and to the people I love. I’m learning to give breathing space and find peace in it. I’m dreaming happily. I am letting things go.

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Ambition

I’ve never really been an ambitious or competitive person but I’m in this moment in my life where I feel myself getting determined. I am soon to finish my Bachelor Degree in English and even though these last few years have been amazing I feel I am ready for something new, for a new challenge. I wake up in the morning with a weird nervousness constricting my intestines and I’m almost sure it feels good. It feels like I have choices and opportunities ahead of me and this is both exciting and intimidating. I have to learn a lot and pay attention to myself and my surroundings while finding ways to get motivated.

I want to learn to write well, I want to learn to be around people, I want to learn to communicate, I want to learn how to sell stuff, I want to learn to manage my time better, I want to learn Illustrator and most of all I want to know what I want.

That is my major issue: I’m not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. I mean I love reading and watching films and TV shows because I like stories, ┬ábut I never found out what I am good at. So I am starting this blog to develop my writing skills and hope for the best like so many other people on the internet. Even if nobody reads this, I will be really proud of myself if I just keep writing, if I just keep trying.