It’s the strangest thing really. Giving, or rather receiving. You’re walking around, minding your own business and all of a sudden someone walks into your life and they give you something and it makes you happy (at least for the moment).
Let me make things clear. I am not referring to gifts like for your birthday or Christmas or things like that. I’m referring to the kinds of things that you receive every day from the people you love like a smile, a hand squeeze, a surprise lolly pop, a phone call or a ‘Have a good day!’ text and you know they care. It’s these small pieces of my every day life that I’ve been noticing lately and started to really try to appreciate. It is incredible how much we give to people and how much it takes out of us when it goes unnoticed. I know my life is so busy sometimes that I barely notice my shirt is on backwards or really slow so I barely get out of my pajamas and my attention spam doesn’t reach as far as the person next to me but it feels like it shouldn’t be such a huge effort. It is though. Because the closer people are to us the harder it is to see the details in my relationships with them. They’ve been here for a year or two or five so they’ll be here tomorrow as well to wake up ten minutes early and make that cup of coffee and make a sandwich or ask me if my date went well so I’ll just concentrate on my thing here in my corner then wonder why I feel lonely and deserted.
When relationships are new though we notice every single detail, every smile, every kiss, hug or advice and I know you can’t keep that up for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever, but how do you get to the other extreme? Not long ago I met someone who I really appreciated and was acutely aware of this fact and when we argued a few weeks ago that person said ‘I don’t want to lose you’ (or something along that line of thought). It meant so much to me, that little line that I tried to move past what was bothering me. This got me thinking about the persons in my life that say to me ‘I don’t want to lose you’ through their actions, the people who have been next to me when I was being annoying or sad or just plain stupid and the people I’ve told this to through my actions as well. It’s amazing how many people don’t listen or don’t believe it.
The sad thing is that we never really know what we had util we don’t have it anymore (yes, I said it, I’m a cliche) and we rarely realize how much we give to a person who doesn’t deserve it. We don’t realize when we become dependent on someone else for something they offer that we think we can’t get on our own and can’t live without. Gestures get lost in a sea of events.
So this is what I am trying- I a trying to pay attention to the people who love me and show it so I can reciprocate. I will appreciate and value and be happy with what I have. I have to defeat my reflex of getting involved with people who have proven to me that they don’t deserve it because I am hopeful and optimistic and want them to be the person they are not. This and much more, I hope.
I think about the future in fragments and I never see it as a complete picture. I like to think of how I’ll have a job doing something or how I’ll live in a certain city or how I’ll have a beer with someone at some bar but these things never really connect. It goes like this: if the weather is too hot around here I’ll think of how I’ll be living in a city where it rains a lot and they don’t get that much sun or high temperatures. I’ll imagine myself buying waterproof boots and big umbrellas and cozy sweaters. I imagine myself people watching in the window of a coffee place, struggling to find parking spaces in the morning and the air in the parks always smelling like wet trees. Or I think about my nondescript future job that happens in an office with so many people that I wouldn’t interact with normally so I always struggle to keep my calm like I’m such a delight to deal with.
I like to daydream about these things, but what it always comes down to is that I don’t really have a plan to deal with life and I have to come up with one. I’ll probably end up improvising anyway because plans, or my plans at least, have a way of being sidetracked, altered or completely shattered all the time. I’ve learned not to try to make long term plans anymore because life just doesn’t follow along unless you really really force it’s hand and I’m not the forceful type. I see these people trying so hard to bend the world to their version of how it should be and it makes me sad. I can imagine the sort of tension and pressure that strains your every nerve and waking second, pushing back against your waning will, making your nerves snap and killing your capacity to enjoy life. I’ve seen this. I don’t want to do this to myself and to the people I love. I’m learning to give breathing space and find peace in it. I’m dreaming happily. I am letting things go.
I’ve never really been an ambitious or competitive person but I’m in this moment in my life where I feel myself getting determined. I am soon to finish my Bachelor Degree in English and even though these last few years have been amazing I feel I am ready for something new, for a new challenge. I wake up in the morning with a weird nervousness constricting my intestines and I’m almost sure it feels good. It feels like I have choices and opportunities ahead of me and this is both exciting and intimidating. I have to learn a lot and pay attention to myself and my surroundings while finding ways to get motivated.
I want to learn to write well, I want to learn to be around people, I want to learn to communicate, I want to learn how to sell stuff, I want to learn to manage my time better, I want to learn Illustrator and most of all I want to know what I want.
That is my major issue: I’m not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. I mean I love reading and watching films and TV shows because I like stories, but I never found out what I am good at. So I am starting this blog to develop my writing skills and hope for the best like so many other people on the internet. Even if nobody reads this, I will be really proud of myself if I just keep writing, if I just keep trying.