Its not relevant(?)

Think of that perfect moment on your vacation, looking out as the waves break on the beach. All you can hear is the water following it’s cycle and the seagulls crying their hunting songs in the sky. That moment goes by and you’ll be soon on the plane back home, back to the work- home- weekend routine.

Think of those summer nights when the weather was warm and the air had that dusty- cold smell from the soft breeze that traveled through the trees around town. You close your eyes to take in the quiet song of crickets and the cars driving by in the distance. Think, that you still have a few days left of summer vacation, of doing nothing much, but feel the changes of the season.

I was looking at the cable of my new headset sticking out of my phone on the way home from work. It had a stock photo aspect as the sun was peaking through the window while setting in the west, piercing the glass and giving everything a crisp aspect.  For no reason, the question popped into my mind- what are we made of? My memory retains these glimpses into my past that I can never reach again. They pile up in the back of my mind and slowly create parts of me. Little memories, like stretching on the carpet of my bedroom after being away for two weeks and feeling like everything was right with the world, then the first train ride to Cluj- Napoca to sign up for university and escaping the place that turned form home to prison. I can still put myself inside both of those experiences to process what led from one to the other.

I keep wondering about this, because we experience something, or even the same thing every day, and if these experiences repeated or unique, can shape who we are, how can we really say that we are the same person two days in a row? How do you keep a sense of self, how do you even know who you are when the person you were yesterday had never tasted sushi before, but who you are today absolutely loves it?

This brings me to two other questions, that I’m not sure if anybody has the answer to- if you can’t be sure of yourself, how can you get to know someone else or do you just have to accept them and figure out if you can deal with them or not?- and the second question, which for me creates more of an issue is, if you can’t really get to know someone else, can you trust them?

Identity is so much part of our culture today, but the more I focus on it, the more it eludes me to the point where I’m starting to wonder if identity isn’t society’s own version of the Emperor’s new clothes and everybody is just pretending to know who they are because everybody else is doing the same and nobody has the guts to say that they are just lost. Then I start thinking of the things that have been constant for such a long time- I love Harry Potter and The Beatles, I don’t like sweets with lemon or cheese, but I also used to hate tea and now I love tea. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder if I talked to myself from 2 or 3 years ago, what would she think of present me? What will I think of myself in 2, 5, 30 years form now?

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Fight-or-Flight

The question that rules our lives and our evolution as society is fight or flight? Which one do you choose? Each one of these will lead you to a different result. Each time you make the choice it piles up with the rest of experiences and decisions that make up who you are.

You pick one, you get a result and analyse it. If you got what you wanted or needed, you’ll probably use this structure again. Instant gratification comes and lets you know that the result was what you want, at least short term. And this is where things can go wrong. Sometimes, the immediate result is to our linking and solves the issue, but what if the issue is not resolved, but only delayed. Maybe you won’t have to deal with it yourself, but someone else might have to and their choices might be limited by yours.

What happens next is that your brain registers that decision as having had a successful result and the next time you find yourself in the same situation, you react the same way because your personal history says that that is the way to go. You might become aware, at some point that your are not choosing well, but the moment has passed and you find yourself facing another choice.

The cycle repeats itself over and over as your reflexes take root and overpower the other possible you who might have gone a different way. They fade out of your conscience and lie dormant for ever.

 

Daily prompt- Dormant

Feminism vs Females

On the bus today, during rush hour traffic when children are going home from school and most people are in the middle of Christmas shopping. The buss is obviously crowded. After I successfully punch my ticket I move around to find enough standing space, like most of the people around me.

As I look around I notice a pretty young lady, all made up in the face with curly hair sitting down on one of the chairs and womenspreading her luggage on the seat next to her. I give her the stink-eye and 2 seconds later I hear the lady behind me asking: ‘Who’s bag might that be?’ to which the womanspreader has nothing left to do but reply but ‘Mine.’ I look behind me at the lady as she goes ‘Then ca I please take a seat?’ My Hero.

Please note how easily my little story passes the Bechdel Test showing that women base their interactions on things other than men- like calling each other on our bull shit. Of course the whole ting might be deemed worthless proof of this as the whole time I was thinking of how amused my boyfriend would be by the scene.

Working on it

I think about the future in fragments and I never see it as a complete picture. I like to think of how I’ll have a job doing something or how I’ll live in a certain city or how I’ll have a beer with someone at some bar but these things never really connect. It goes like this: if the weather is too hot around here I’ll think of how I’ll be living in a city where it rains a lot and they don’t get that much sun or high temperatures. I’ll imagine myself buying waterproof boots and big umbrellas and cozy sweaters. I imagine myself people watching in the window of a coffee place, struggling to find parking spaces in the morning and the air in the parks always smelling like wet trees. Or I think about my nondescript future job that happens in an office with so many people that I wouldn’t interact with normally so I always struggle to keep my calm like I’m such a delight to deal with.

I like to daydream about these things, but what it always comes down to is that I don’t really have a plan to deal with life and I have to come up with one. I’ll probably end up improvising anyway because plans, or my plans at least, have a way of being sidetracked, altered or completely shattered all the time. I’ve learned not to try to make long term plans anymore because life just doesn’t follow along unless you really really force it’s hand and I’m not the forceful type. I see these people trying so hard to bend the world to their version of how it should be and it makes me sad. I can imagine the sort of tension and pressure that strains your every nerve and waking second, pushing back against your waning will, making your nerves snap and killing your capacity to enjoy life. I’ve seen this. I don’t want to do this to myself and to the people I love. I’m learning to give breathing space and find peace in it. I’m dreaming happily. I am letting things go.